Monday, July 14, 2008


The Heart Of Worship

When the music fades, All is stripped away
And I simply come, longing just to bring
Something that's of worth, That will bless your heart

I'll bring You more than a song, For a song in itself
Is not what You have required .You search much deeper within
Through the way things appear, You're looking into my heart

I'm coming back to the heart of worship And it's all about You
It's all about You, Jesus.I'm sorry, Lord, for the thing I've made it.
When it's all about You. It's all about You, Jesus

King of endless worth, No one could express
How much you deserve. Though I'm weak and poor
All I have is yours, Every single breath.

I'll bring you more than a song. I'll bring you more than a song
More than a song. I'll bring you more than a song
I'll bring you more than a song. You're looking into my heart
Looking into my heart. You're looking into my heart. Into my heart
I'll bring you more than a song.

I'm on the worship team at church. We sang this on Sunday, and I knew there would come another day I would sing this song for my Lord. I'm hoping to show a little bit of my heart in this post, though I will never be able to express my thoughts exactly. It will be a tough one for me, I think. This song brings back many memories, not all of them good, but memories none the less. When I first started going to church several years back I wanted to be on the worship team more than anything. It is my passion, and I hope one of my spiritual gifts. There is nothing in the world like worshipping my King. The worship team at this particular church had a name, they were called "More Than A Song."

I put in my application. I had to be approved. I had to audition, no big deal. I made the team. There were several parts to the application process I was soon to find out. Being able to hit a note was not the only requirement. I had to make it to the practices, learn some harmony, etc... I had to attend so many church services, Wednesdays and Sundays. I had to serve somewhere in the church on a regular basis, and all kinds of other good stuff. All to worship my God on the platform. We didn't call it a stage because, we were not performers. Being on the worship team meant being an upfront leader, and carried alot of responsibility. I just wanted to sing, and worship my Lord. No other kind of music has ever touched me the way worship music does.
So I did all of this for a couple of years. We moved an hour away round trip from the church and I would drive it 2 times on Sunday, and then again on Wednesday's, and whenever there was something else I was required to attend. I was involved in the kid's ministry even though I had no clue what I was doing. I joined the prayer team during the 1st service. I attended the 2ND service and we would pray over the 1st service as it was going on. I enjoyed the prayer time.

It is no wonder why after a couple of years of this kind of commitment things went way South. I was tired, and my family suffered. My husband didn't attend church. he was angry that the church required so much of my time. I tried to explain it to him. I tried to make him understand. He couldn't understand why I had to do all of this to be on some worship team. I ought to be able to go to church and sing if that's what I wanted to do, without all of the legal requirements, and attendance charts. I finally had to step down. It broke my heart to give that up. I was mad that I couldn't do what I wanted more than almost anything. It wasn't possible to want something so much and not be able to have it. It wasn't fair that God wouldn't make a way.
I quit going to church after that. There were alot of other things going on, probably the hardest time in my life. A time when I needed to cling close to God, and could not. How was it possible to do all of this hard work and not be able to worship??
We started going to a new church here in Hollister. They have a fantastic worship team. I wanted to be on it from day one, and would not allow myself. I think God had a hand in it. I was to be patient and wait upon Him, and His timing. Every week I would tell my Hubby how much I wanted to be on the worship team, and he would tell me to do it. I could not. The timing was not right. I had to get my whole life right with God before I would even allow myself to think about it. I had to be Holy, because He is Holy. It is what I was taught.
Well, that's going to take me a lifetime, and then some. I am never going to be Holy enough. Even my best is dirty rags. I finally came to a realization that it was time. Not because I deserved it, but because God deserves my worship. My best, my all. I did have to get some areas of my life right with Him before I would allow myself, and I did it. I tend to be a person anymore who holds the leaders in our church to a higher standard. Do I understand if they mess up? Do I forgive if they need it? Do I pray for them, and help hold them accountable, while still loving them? Well, didn't Jesus do that for me? Yes.
On Saturday I started to question whether I still deserved my spot on this team. Not for any particular reason, just a self check. Have I done enough lately to earn it? Have I attended enough church events? I went to practice on Sunday morning with a heavy heart, knowing I didn't deserve it. Then I learned we were singing this song. I knew it was satan trying to convince me of his lies, and I put him in his place. For the first time in a long time I knew I was where I belonged, worshipping the Lord, and pouring my heart out to him. Trying hard to empty myself of me and filling up on Him. What a joy, a light heartedness, a freedom I felt all day. Even though my best will never be good enough, I will try to always bring "More than a Song

Saturday, July 5, 2008

Independance Day

It is Independance Day weekend. For me that means 3 days off! Yeah! I need it so bad. So far I have been able to go through some closets and get a few large bags of stuff hauled away to Goodwill. It's not done yet, but I'm getting closer! I am learning to find a place for everything, and everything in it's place. It is more out of necessity for my sanity above all, and the steps I have taken are starting to show!

We had a lovely family day yesterday, July 4th. Actually only 3 of us, but a family day none the less. My little Mischief (Ms Tiff, my 11 yr old) is off visiting her Grammy and Granny in Kansas for 3 weeks, and oh how I miss her. I call her almost everyday and ask her if she is ready for me to come get her. She is not. So I will be without her until July 15th, 2 days before her 12th birthday. However much I miss her though, my house stays cleaner, quieter, and less chaotic. I DONT LIKE IT! It amazes me how much one member of the family contributes to every aspect of daily living.

We went to watch the fireworks in downtown Hollister last night. Me, hubby, and Hunter. We took Jeff's new pickup, let down the tailgate and covered it with a blanket. I have never seen a 4th of July firewrks show as good as the one we saw last night. For starters, we are surounded by the beautiful Ozark Mountains, and the echo of each one was almost deafening! It was simply amazing. They put on about a 20 minute show, and each time you thought it was time for the finale they would shoot off more. One thing different that I have never seen, that gave me much Pride, was at the end, after the finale of beautiful lights, they had a 21 gun salute with the loudest fireworks I have ever been privy too. Hunter and I talked a little about what the day meant, about how it was a celebration of our freedom, and what it meant to live free in America. I had terars in my eyes because of the sense of pride I felt for our our beautiful country, our service men, and the freedoms we tend to take for granted. Also the price that was paid, from our Veterans. I thank these men and women from the bottom of my heart.

Yesterday was also our baby niece Emily's 1st birthday. She died February 10th, 2008 at 7 months old. The tears I shed were also in remembrance of her and her family that will miss her until the day we go to be with Jesus. I can not cry for Emmy, she is where I want to be. She is with out Lord and Saviour, walking those streets of gold, in a land of milk and honey, where there is no sorrow, no suffering, no pain. I remember her as the beautiful little baby girl she was that touched so many lives, and changed some for the better. However, her Mom and Dad, and 4 brothers and sisters I will hold close to my heart, and continue to pray for their healing, for good to come from the testimony that they have for Baby Emily.

Well until next time, God be with all.