Picking up my Cross

I'm having a hard day. I'm having a hard week, I've had a hard year. I'm not sure where I'm supposed to go with this today, but I feel the need to write. I'm going to allow God to lead, and I'm not sure I like where He is leading me. But I trust Him.

I don't feel good, and I haven't for awhile. I'm having anxiety and panic attacks, and just feel so overwhelmed at times. I tried an antidepressant. I quit taking it because it wasnt fixing anything. If anything, it made it worse. I started praying for God to show me the underlying cause. He showed me. I asked Him for healing. He is healing me, in His way. Now Im asking for deliverance.
I have chosen to pick up my cross and follow Christ. Two years ago the Lord asked me to lay something down. I did it. I havent been without it since I was 12 years old. It was my best friend. I ran to it in times of trouble. I numbed myself with it in times of heartache. In good times and bad it was there for me. For 20 years.
I'ts really strange. I have not been delivered from it, yet the Lord finds ways to keep me from being around it. It is not my doing. I know its all around me. The devil has shown me. It is not me resisting. It is a hedge God has seen fit to build around me.
I dont feel good, because for the first time in my life since I was 12 years old I live in reality. When the stress of the day gets to me, I dont run to it. When the heartache starts hurting, I dont run to it. When the yearning comes over me, I give it to God. Usually I confess it out loud, tell my hubby. I would rather confess to the yearning than give in to it. This usually helps. It goes away for awhile, but comes back. Its back with a vengeance right now. I'm sure the reason is because I have had so much happen lately that my brain doesnt know how to process the reality of it. I've been on an emotional roller coaster with my teenager, my hubby, the death of our 7 month old neice Emily, not to mention just everyday stress. The old me doesnt know how to cope, but the new me in Christ chooses to fight. I choose to take the narrow road. I choose to feel. I choose to deal with life, instead of supressing it.
The verse I have posted here from Isaiah says it well. He is giving me strength while I am weak. I am flying high on wings like eagles, waiting for Gods deliverance. It is His strength that will see me through this.